Disclaimer: This story is
rated PG for some foul language.
Mr. Green
By Utena
"
Today on it's the Mind. Déjà vu." Says Michael Palin as he does the
sketch for one last time.
"Cut and print! Ok guys, I think that is a rap for tonight" the
director said as the end of the day approached. The guys from Monty
Python's Flying Circus were dead tired as the finally taped some of
their sketches for use for their live show on Sunday.
"I am famished," he said as he walked off the set with his hand
on
his stomach.
"Ere Mike!" said his good friend Terry Jones as he threw a nice,
juicy, ripen pear at his direction. Mike caught it and his facial
expression of disgust overcame his face.
"Ewww… what …
Terrence!?"
"Mike…I hate it when you call me Terrence!" said Terry as he
approached him.
"Ackk… why did you give me a pear…. You know
how much I hate them.
They are green, yucky looking. I haven't eaten all day, so I don't
have nothing to throw up to!"
"C'mon Mike, look at the pear, feel the pear, treat the pair as a
woman"
"Acckkk feck Terry
please you are making me feel ill!"
Terry laughed at his face, as he ate the pear. "MMMMMMMM
nice juicy
woman!"
Mike’s face grew green as he saw Terry eat the pear. After he gobbled
it all down, he said, "Oi Mike,
let's go to dinner. I am hungry for something hot"
"Hungry? Again? You just ate a whole
pear!" said Mike as he began to
poke Terry belly and giggled to himself and said "Suit yourself
tubby! Lets go… "
"TUBBY!!!! You @#$%#$%"
After saying goodbye to their Python mates, Terry and Mike went to
this posh Italian restaurant around the corner from the BBC. They
found a table and the waiter took their orders. Two
plates of
Fettuccini Alfredo. As they waited, they began talking about their
girlfriends and about the concept of the sketch that they wrote, déjà
vu.
"Déjà vu" said Terry.
"Come again?" replied Mike with a smirk.
"Déjà vu!!" said Terry in a loud voice.
"Come again?"
"Déjà vu!!!!!!!" shouted Terry in his high pitched welsh accent.
"Ummm come again?" said Mike as he giggled some more.
"Now stop it! You silly cunt!" said
Terry Jones as he folded his arms.
For the next 15 minutes, Mike was still laughing at Terry.
"Cool it Mike, they'll throw us out if here, if you keep laughing
like a nun getting her first spanking!"
"Excuse me Terry…" says Mike quite surprised… then finds that
there
is a copy of `Spank Nun' magazine peeking out of the inside Terry's
jacket pocket. He tries to fix his eyes into the magazine's small
print as Terry was trying to get the waiter's attention so he can
order a drink.
"In this…ehhhh issue…ten sure fire ways to
convince a nun to put her
cross in her…"
"EEEEEEEP" squeaked Terry as Mike read the magazine and threw the
magazine out of the window.
"Oi!
Terry! What did ya do that for!?"
"Ummmm nevermind….
Why don't you like pears Mike? They haven't done
anything to you to hate them."
"Don't try to change the subject nun boy!"
"Nun boy!?!?" squeaked Terry in his cute welsh voice. "I
don't know
what you are talking about. Anyway Mike why don't you
like pears?"
Mike looked at Terry with a peculiar look. "Ummm well I don't
like `cause I don't. There."
"That doesn't explain it Mike… there must be a more suitable
explanation for it".
"I don't wanna talk about it. It was a
childhood trauma thing".
"Childhood trauma Mike? Strange…c’mon
I am your mate for years why
don't you wanna talk about it?"
"No" said Mike quietly.
"Yes" replied Terry with a sneaky smile.
"No!" Mike's voice said it a li’l
higher.
"YES" Terry yelped.
"NO!" Mike slammed his fist on the table.
"YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!"
as Terry slammed his fist on the table.
"NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! " screamed as Mike as he stood up. "I USED TO
HAVE A PEAR WHEN I WAS A CHILD AND IT USED TO SING ME TO SLEEP!!!
SATISFIED JONES!!!" said Mike in a loud voice causing the whole
restaurant to look his way. Terry's mouth was hanging out.
"Ahem…sorry folks…please get back into stuffing your FACES…ahem sorry
folks" said Mike as he sat down. "I need water" and he drank
the
whole water jug in one go.
"Mike. Are you all right?" asked Terry with concern. "Sorry
for
pressuring ya mate. I was only making fun of you"
"Yes yes I am… ummm
don't worry about it Jones. Ya got what ya wanted
to hear" and Mike sighed. He stood up to go to the washroom. He
washed his face and looked at his agitated reflection. He started to
think about the lil pear friend that he used to
have when he was a
lil kid. It used to sing him some Ethel
Merman and some Frank Sinatra
tunes like: "There is no Business" and "
smiled and sighed. He was happy about those childhood memories until
that day when he saw his father eat his pear friend. Mike was never
the same again. A lil tear came upon Mike's face
as he thought about
that terrible moment. He wiped them away and sighed as he got out of
the washroom and back to their table. Terry seemed to have recovered
the "Spank Nun" magazine while Mike was away. His face was buried
in
it, as his eyes were pasted to them.
As he approached the table, he said "You know Jones. It's bad manners
reading in the table."
Terry leaped and threw the magazine out of the window again as Mike
sat down. "Feeling better Mike?" said Terry as he broke in cold
sweat.
"I am all right mate. Thanks for asking. Perhaps the stress of the
show is getting to me," and drank his wine and that relaxed him.
The waiter approached their table with their meals. He placed Terry's
meal first and then Michael's. Two Fettuccini Alfredo's for two
hungry Brits, a spanking nun loving Welshman and a pear crazed
Englishman. Perfect!
Terry starting eating like a starved child. Mike
was kind of grossed
out about his table manners. So, Mike looked into his meal and
sighed. He wasn't that hungry anymore. He sipped his wine and looked
back into the plate.
There was a pear! It sprouted legs and hands and a guitar magically
appeared and began to sang in a lil
is no…business like show business … like no…"
Mike's eyes almost leaped out of his sockets. He drank the whole
bottle of wine and looked back his plate, no pear, just his dinner.
He closed his eyes and heard the lil voice again,
"Hello Mike…It's
Mr. Green! Your old pear friend! Remember this tune…" and started to
sing " Start spreading…" With that, a
loud thump was heard across the
restaurant. Mike fainted.
"Wake up Mike" said Terry as he tried to wake him…slapping Mike's
face lightly. A waiter came up and poured a whole jug of water to
Mike's face. He woke up saying "Mr. Green… Mr. Green… Ethel Merman…No
more No more…"
"Ethel Merman? Mr. Green? Are you all right?" said Terry with
concern
for his best friend.
Mike opened his eyes and all he saw was Terry's and the waiter's
faces turned into pears and said "Ello Mike,
remember me Mr. Green?!"
Mike started to scream and then he leaped up and ran off out the
restaurant as if was being chased by a killer. He was running from a
pear, Mr. Green, his old childhood friend. Terry trailed behind him.
Trying to reach Mike, but he lost him halfway. It was too late. Mike
was running through the streets of
Green! Stop following me!"
Mike sprinted till he got to his flat. Opened the door and shut it
making sure that every lock was secure. He panted and slid to the
floor trying to catch his breath. Strangely enough he started to suck
his thumb. He got up and decided to take a bath to calm himself.
Stripping down and getting into the warm tub, he sank into the soapy
suds and tried to relax. His mind was cleared. Then all of a sudden,
a weird sound, "Start spreading the newsssssssssss…I
want to be part
of it…
"Bloody HELL!" he swore as he looked down and saw Mr. Green with
his
guitar playing the ol Frank Sinatra tune floating
in a lil boat in
the middle of the tub. Mike rubbed his eyes, making sure that it
wasn't a dream. He was dead wrong. The pear stopped singing and
smiled looking up at him from the lil blue boat
and said:
"Hello Mikey! Hoooooooow are you doing?
Remember me??? It's me your
old friend Mr. Green!!! Remember all those good nights when I sang
you the Pauper song! And then you fell asleep like a lil
boy!
Awwwwww Mikey…remember" and the
pear smiled from ear to ear.
Mike was speechless. He couldn't believe what was going on. Then the
pear looked down; and saw his um "thing" and said "My Mikey!
How much
you've grown!"
Mike yelped and covered his privates. "Listen ummmm
Mr. Green. What
do you want from me? I thought you were dead! Remember that my father
ate you and I never saw you again."
"Well Mikey , I didn't die! I just moved on.
Children around the
world need me to sing them to sleep eeeeeeeeeerverynighttttttttttt
I
came back to you `cause you NEEEEEEEEEED me Mike. I missed you!
Remember those nights when I used to rope ya up like a hog and tie
you up to the ceiling while I sing show tunes from Damn Yankees!"
said Mr. Green is his strange cowboy
southern drawl. And threw him
his magic rope on Mike landing him on his neck. It was strangling
him! Making him choke, gasping for breath. Leaping out of the bath,
naked, with the rope around his neck and Mr. Green at the end of it,
dangling, yelling, "Yeeeehawwwww!! Weeheee Mikey! Go Boy!! Yahoooo!!!"
Mike made it to the kitchen, hacking and coughing, taking the rope
and the pear and slammed it against the cutting table. He reached for
a long, sharp cutting knife. And cut the rope off in a snap. Mr.
Green was lying down on the cutting table laughing his green lil
peary ass off with his eyes closed.
Mike sighed and looked at the euphorically tickled pear and then
looked at the knife. He double glanced it and a
sneaky lil grin
overcame his face. "Say Mr. Green. Want to play a new game?"
"Yeehaw! Buckaroo! Sure I'll play a game. I LOOOVE games!"
"Okay. The name of the game is Balance and Jump. All you have to do
balance on this here blade and jump as high as you can only once and
you'll win a prize!"
"Ummm geez buckaroo. I dunno….I
never have played this game before.
Is it fun?" said Mr. Green with concern.
"Of course it is…trust me old pal! Climb up and on the count of three
jump" said Mike mockingly. Clearly enough the pear
didn't know was it
was going to do.
So the pear climbed up the blade, all giggly and smiley, and he was
ready. Mike started the count.
"One…Two and…Thhhh…"
beads of sweat covered his brow as he
shouted "THREE!"
"Mike! Baby! Are you home babes? " shouted
his live in girlfriend
Alison as she came into the flat.
"Mmmmmmm I am here babes, in the
kitchen" said a naked Mike sitting
on a chair near the cutting table, with his mouth full as he closed
his eyes tasting something sweet in his mouth.
"Mike? Babes? What are you eating?"
"A yummy lil pear
sweetheart. Want some?"
"I thought you hated pears babe. No, I don't want one".
"Well. I used to, but I guess I don't now" said Mike as he
started to
hum some Frank Sinatra tune. Then he looks at his lovely girlfriend
and growls sexily. Grins and hops on her back saying "YEEHAW!" as
they staggered into their bedroom.
Morale of the story: Whatever you do, never eat a pear that sings
Ethel Merman nor Frank Sinatra tunes. Perhaps your sex life might
improve, but if someone comes with a knife to play "Balance and
Jump"
RUN! ^.^