AUTHOR: Cheri (pythonm@hrtc.net)
FANDOM: Monty Python
RATING: PG
KEYWORDS: Monty Python, Comedy
ARCHIVE: Anywhere just let me know where it's going and keep my name on it
SUMMARY: Mike and Eric find out there are problems with being cute
DISCLAIMER: Monty Python don't belong to me, they belong to themselves. I'm making no money off of this. I'm just being silly lol. This fic is copywrited March, 2002 and may not be altered in any way without the express permission of the author NOTE: Thanks to Jess for inspiring me with this idea!!!
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Part One
"You have got to be kidding me, Duncan!" Mike protested.
Duncan Wood, the head of comedy for the BBC raised his eyebrows as Mike sat across from his desk, dumbfounded. Beside him sat Eric, also in shock....
"Do I look like I'm kidding, gentlemen?" he said folding his arms over his chest.
"But it's humiliating!" Mike said angrily.
"Humiliating or not, It's what the BBC wants." Duncan replied.
"I don't care! I'm not gonna be known as Cutesy-poo!" Mike said.
"And I'm not gonna be Love Slave." Eric added.
Duncan sighed...
"I hate to tell you guys this, but as long as you work here at the BBC, we own you and your name. So basically we can do whatever we want with you..."
He threw a report across to Mike and Eric and pointed at it...
"This is what we have been able to find out. Flying Circus is gaining in popularity as you can tell by the ratings. We are also picking up more female viewers and according to our findings, you two are now regarded as sex symbols by most of these females. The BBC has decided to capitalize on that with your name changes. Now as long as you work for us, you will have to comply. Not only you but everyone around you...Ian, Neil, Carol, the other pythons...all of them are going to be using your new names too or else they will be fined 5,000 pounds each time."
Mike and Eric stared at one another, too stunned to say anything....
*******************************
"Well...well, look everyone Cutesy-poo and Love Slave have graced us with their presence!" John yelled as Eric and Mike walked into the studio.
Mike and Eric ducked their heads as everyone in the studio began to point and snicker...
"So where are all your groupies?" Jonsey yelled to them.
"Yes! I thought every woman in Britain was swooning at the sight of you." John added.
Mike held up his hands...
"Look guys, this wasn't our idea, okay? We don't like it any more than you do"
John snorted.
"Sure it wasn't," He muttered.
"So are you guys going to do the dress rehearsal or are you going to just lay on a couple of big fluffy pillows and get massages while you watch us?" Jonesy asked.
John snickered as Mike and Eric glared at them. The door opened and Gilliam walked in. He was going to put on the suit of armor for one of the sketches. As he passed by Mike and Eric, he suddenly stopped and looked at them with a little smirk on his face before continuing on...
Eric sighed as he looked at Mike...
"I'm gonna kill whoever thought this up!" He muttered to him.
Mike nodded....
They climbed up onto the stage as John stared at them in mock surprise...
"Oh my God!" He cried out to Jonesy and Graham "The two gods are going to come down from Mount Olympus and be among us lowly mortals for awhile!"
Mike bit his lower lip, resisting the urge to beat the shit out of John as he grinned smugly at them....
Ian checked the script and looked at all of them.
"Okay guys, everyone ready?"
The Pythons nodded...
"Ready, CUTESY-POO AND LOVE SLAVE?" Ian said loudly...
"Yes, we're ready." Eric and Mike muttered together, as around them everyone sniggered...
******************************
"I thought it would never end!" Mike said hurling a short brown wig he had been wearing, onto the dressing room table.
"Same here." Eric agreed brushing out his long hair. "I've never been so humiliated in my whole life. We can't work this way day after day with everyone rubbing it in our faces. I hear now they are gonna put the bloody names in the credits too!"
Mike rolled his eyes...
"No amount of money is worth this! When we started the show, we all agreed no one should be singled out, that it was all of us in it together as equals. Now, in an instant, that's changed, all because of a few horny females!"
Mike and Eric spun around as the door opened and Carol peeked around the door...
"What? Are you coming in here to make fun of us now too?" Mike said angrily
Carol's eyes widen...
"NO! I was coming to get my purse." she retorted. "I for one, think that giving you those.... names was the stupidest idea in the world!"
At that, Mike and Eric visibly relaxed...
"I'm sorry Carol..." Mike said sheepishly." I didn't mean to go off on you. It's just that..."
Carol held up her hand...
"You don't have to explain, Mike. I understand completely. Personally I think the others behaved like babies about it, especially John."
"I'm afraid to do the show tomorrow night now. I don't want to face all those people," Eric said.
"Well...You guys still have me in your corner." Carol said as she grabbed her purse. "Bye guys!"
Mike and Eric waved as she walked through the door. After she had gone, they looked at each other and walked out the door after her...
Part 2
Finally the moment came that Mike and Eric had been dreading...Showtime...
They knew what to expect the moment they showed up at Television Center when they saw a hoard of screaming girls waiting by the stage door. They got out of the car and walked up to the door together fearing every moment they would be torn limb from limb by a throng of horny girls. The moment they reached them, though, two security guards appeared and began to push the crowd back. Still fearful of attack, Mike and Eric passed by the screaming masses as they yelled out to them...
"Cutesy-poo! I love you!"
"I want you, Love Slave!"
"I'm pregnant and you're the father!"
Mike and Eric looked at each other upon hearing the last statement and ran the rest of the way to the door....
"Evening, love gods! Did you accept tribute from all your slaves out there?" John said as they walked towards the dressing room...
Ignoring him and his howling laughter, Mike and Eric hurried on until the reached their dressing room. Opening the door, they noticed Jonsey sitting by a vanity table holding a washrag over his eye. Graham sat nearby quietly puffing on his pipe...
"What happened to you?" Mike asked.
He watched as Jonsey's nostrils flared in anger...
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?" he squealed. "I WAS ALMOST KILLED BY YOUR BLOODY FAN CLUB OUT THERE! THEY PUNCHED ME IN THE EYE BECAUSE THEY WERE EXPECTING YOU INSTEAD OF ME!"
Eric and Mike sighed deeply. Muttering a sorry, they both walked around him and got on their makeup and wigs as quickly as they could under the severe glare of Jonsey. Finishing they ran out and made their way to the side of the stage where they waited for the show to begin.
About five minutes before Showtime, they began to see the girls from outside file in and sit together...a sight they dreaded seeing. The thought of all of them out there making things worse filled them both with dread...
Suddenly they coughed, as they smelled perfume in the air. They turned around to see someone with an atomizer spraying their bodies from head to toe...
"Gotta smell fantastic for the girls!" He said as he finished.
Mike grabbed hold of Eric as he tried to go after the man...
"Let me go, Mike! I wanna shove that perfume down his throat!" Eric spat out.
"No! Eric! Let it go, even if you do go after him. There's probably someone else ready to spray us."
Eric calmed down and sighed as he leaned up against the wall...
"You're right Mike! They probably have several of them now. Next thing you know, there'll be a girl sprinkling rose petals wherever we walk"
Mike giggled as he held a finger to his lips.
"Shhh, Eric. Don't give the stupid gits ideas!"
Eric laughed along with him. It felt good to be able to laugh about anything lately...
Both of them looked over as John, Gilliam and Graham came up. Jonsey followed behind them, sulking. They noticed that he had covered his black eye as much as he could with a ton of base.
"Ready to perform for your adoring fans?" John asked with a smirk.
Mike glared at him....
"No!" He spat out.
"NO?" John said with a grin. "You mean you don't want all these young women lusting after you, Cutesy-poooooooooooooooooooo?" He held poo out as he imitated a young girl. "Ooooooooooooooh I just love you Cutesy-poooooooooooooooooooooo!" He continued in the same voice. "I dream about you every night! I just love when you dress as a Gumby! It drives me crazy!"
Mike gritted his teeth as John grinned and Graham and Gilliam and Jonesy laughed at him.
"Okay guys.... um...Showtime." Ian said as he appeared beside them.
Eric noticed he was looking at his feet as he said it and began to worry...
"What now, Ian?" He said.
Ian blushed and looked away. Eric narrowed his eyes and looked at Mike who was looking over at Gilliam. Eric followed his gaze and saw that Gilliam was now staring at them with an angry glare...
"I hope you're happy now!" He said under his breath.
Eric and Mike sighed. They turned away and walked over to a monitor to watch the start of the show. They saw the filmed segment of Mike dressed as the It's man running through explosions and dropping down below camera. Looking up, he said, "It's..."
Suddenly their eyes widened as instead of the familiar liberty bell theme and opening animated sequence, they saw the screen go pink with a huge valentine heart. Their mouths dropped open as little cutouts of their heads attached to animated bodies began to boogie around the screen. Then the little chirpy music was replaced with a new theme song...
It's the Cutesy-poo and Love Slave Show
They break women's hearts wherever they go
All the girls chase them to and fro
But now it's Showtime...so here they go!
doo de doo de doo de doo...
Mike and Eric looked back over at Gilliam suddenly realizing why he was so angry. Gilliam continued to glare at them as the music played. Suddenly they heard an announcers voice and looked back towards the screen...
"YES! It's time once again for the Cutesy-poo and Love Slave show starring in alphabetical order...Cutesy-poo, Love Slave....and the rest...brought to you by the BBC....and now Cutesy-poo and Love Slave!..."
Ian looked over and motioned them towards the stage...Gulping heavily, Eric and Mike moved past the furious pythons towards the stage. As soon as they stepped into view, a wave of screaming washed over them from the frantic girls who had risen from their seats. Mike and Eric stood, uneasy, as they watched some of the girls fainting and being carried off by medics. A few of them held up signs and banners. Mike and Eric squinted trying to make out what they said....
I LOVE YOU!
MARRY ME
I'M PREGNANT AND YOU'RE THE FATHER!
A woman who kept pointing to the words, then pointing to her stomach and then pointing to them was holding the last one. Neither one could determine exactly whom she was pointing to and frankly they didn't want to know. They wondered if this was the same woman who had screamed the phrase at the stage door...
Mike shifted uneasily, not sure what they were supposed to do...
"Um...hi!" He said softly.
They both took a step back as another wave of screams washed over them. They heard a noise behind them and turned their heads fearfully only to see it was the other pythons shuffling quietly out onto the stage behind them. They glared at Mike and Eric, then at the crowd and finally back to them...
"Guys, this isn't our doing!" Mike started to say. He fell silent as the python's eyes narrowed further and turned back around to the crowd....
The rest of the show was terrible. None of the pythons could hear the others because of all the screaming. When Mike and Eric weren't on stage, it wasn't any better. All they heard then was the constant chanting of...
WE WANT LOVE SLAVE!
WE WANT CUTESY-POO!
Eric and Mike felt sorry for them having to work under those conditions but they knew if they tried to say anything to the others it would only make them angrier. finally the show ended and rather than take off their makeup and wigs, They both headed towards the stage door and out to their cars before any of the girls came looking for autographs...
Part 3
The next day found Eric and Mike panting in their dressing room. They practically had to beat back the girls at the stage door that had gotten bolder since the show had aired. Mike had found a bunch of them camped out in front of his flat and Eric had found one trying to break into his front door. They both had barely made it to their cars and into the building and now they were exhausted.
"I can't take much more of this!" Eric said.
"Me neither! We're gonna end up dead or mutilated if this keeps up." Mike agreed.
Suddenly Duncan peeked around the door and smiled at them...
"Mister Poo, Mister Slave?" He ignored their glares..."Can I talk to you in my office?"
Mike and Eric looked at each other. Sighing, they followed Duncan to his office. Behind them, Carol came out of the shadows and followed them. As they went into Duncan's office and he shut the door, she crept up and put her ear to it and listened with a frown...
*******************************
Duncan pointed to the seats in front of his desk and Eric and Mike sat down dreading what was about to happen. Beside them sat a portly man in his late 40's. He had two large suitcases sitting beside his chair.
"This is Roger Ford, He is the president and CEO of Silly Novelties Limited."
Eric and Mike both nodded at him...
"Gentleman, The BBC has hired me to come up with some products that are tied into the Cutesy-Poo and Love Slave Show. Mister Wood wanted you both to come in today to see some of the finished designs."
Mike glanced at Eric who was rolling his eyes. Ford carried on with his spiel, not noticing him. He opened the first suitcase and began to bring out the items...
"Well...first off we have dolls for both of you."
He pulled out two stuffed rag dolls. Eric and Mike looked at them with distaste. The faces had huge goofy grins on their faces and each doll had on jeans and a tee shirt with a huge valentine heart on it...Cutesy-poo and Love Slave were written in the hearts in cursive letters...
"Next, we have collectible trading cards. 140 cards in all..."
He showed a few samples. The cards seemed to be mostly shots of them from the Flying Circus with a couple of headshots thrown in...
"Next, we have your biographies..."
He held up two thin paperback books. The title of both books was My Life as a Heartthrob with a picture of Mike on his bio and Eric's pic on his.
Mike sighed heavily. He knew that once all of this stuff got into the shops, they would never hear the end of it from the others...
The spiel went on for another hour as Ford brought out product after product...records, comic books, toothbrushes, bed sheets, wastebaskets, posters, action figures...and then at last Ford came to the last product...
"This item we are extremely proud of!" Ford said reaching down into the suitcase...
Mike and Eric's eyes widened in shock as Ford produced two bright pink vibrators. One had Eric's face on the tip and the other had Mike's. With a grin, Ford turned on one and to Eric and Mike's horror, it played the cheesy theme song as it vibrated softly in his hand...
Mike had finally had enough. He jumped to his feet and pointed at the vibrator...
"I'm not having my face on a bloody vibrator!" He said enraged.
"Sit down, Mister Poo." Duncan said annoyed.
"No! I will not sit down! This is ridiculous! Don't Eric and I have a say in this at all?"
"No, Mister Poo! As I said before, we own you and your name."
Mike stared at Duncan, too stunned to speak. He slowly slunk down to his chair, defeated...
"These are all fine, Mister Ford! We will start production on them right away." Duncan said to him.
**********************************
"Why were we even invited to that bloody meeting?" Mike said as he closed the door to Duncan's office. He followed Eric as they walked back down the hall to the dressing room. He wondered if the others had heard of the items yet...
"Maybe it's time to leave England." Mike said.
"Or the planet!..." Eric said sadly....
As they walked down the hall, Carol stepped around the corner near Duncan's office and stared at them, her heart breaking for them. She had heard every word of the meeting through the door and it made her blood boil. She knew enough was enough. She couldn't stand by and watch her two friends being destroyed by greedy people. She stomped towards the stage and the other pythons...she had a plan and she needed their help. She only hoped she was able to convince them that it was Duncan and the BBC who were behind everything...
**********************************
Carol sighed in relief. She had managed to convince the other pythons that Eric and Mike were innocent. They were more than eager now to get back at everyone for what they had done to them. They only had one day before the show went out but they agreed to work for as long as it took to get everything ready....
Meanwhile, Carol was heading to Duncan's office to put the first part of the plan into motion...
************************************
"Come in." Duncan called out as he heard the knock on the door.
He looked up and smiled at Carol as she entered. He motioned for her to sit...
"What can I do for you Miss Cleveland?" He asked with a smile.
The smile fell from his face as Carol glared at him and folded her arms over her chest...
"You can stop making my friends life a living hell for one" she said angrily.
"Who?" Duncan said, genuinely confused....
"Mike and Eric." Carol said. A smile formed on her face as Duncan's mouth dropped in surprise. "That's right! Mike and Eric...I refuse to call them by those ridiculous nicknames, so you can just fine me all you like!"
"Miss Cleveland, It is BBC policy..."
"I don't care!" Carol spat out, interrupting him." It is inhumane to call them that. You don't care about either of them. You just care about the ratings and making money. You are putting them in danger by encouraging these female fans, which do nothing now but stalk them and pounce on them every chance they get. I demand you stop this Cutesy-poo and Love Slave crap at once!"
"I'm sorry Miss Cleveland, I cannot!" Duncan said, glaring at her...
"Then trust me, you will live to regret it!" Carol said standing up and walking towards the door...
"Oh by the way, that's 20,000 pounds fine for you."
Carol turned and snorted...
"If you think I'm gonna pay it, don't hold your breath!" She said as she slammed the door.
Part 4
Mike and Eric slumped down by the entrance to the stage. It was almost show time and they could hear the screaming girls louder and more insistent than last week. They braced themselves for more humiliation...
Suddenly they heard someone cough behind them. They turned and both saw John standing beside them. Figuring he had come to taunt them, they were both surprised when he asked them to follow him. Mike looked at Eric and shrugged figuring he could be no worse than the females. Filled with curiosity, they followed him backstage...
************************************
Duncan emerged from his office. He had finally sealed the negotiations with Silly Novelties for a hefty sum. They were to begin production of the new items and get them to the stores as soon as possible.
He looked over as he heard laughter...he saw Carol and the other pythons further down the hallway talking amongst themselves. Wondering what was going on, Duncan began to walk towards them....His eyes narrowed as they suddenly shut up at the sight of him...
"What's going on, here?" He asked.
"Nothing...Why would you think something's going on?" John asked with an innocent look on his face.
"It's just that it looked like you were planning something" he said eyeing them.
"Duncan, I think you've had too much stress lately...Maybe you should take it easy for a change." Jonesy said patting Duncan on the shoulder.
Duncan looked at all of them. He knew something was not right here, but he couldn't put his finger on it. He felt an urge to stay and interrogate them some more, but he knew it was almost Showtime and he couldn't keep them standing backstage...
"Okay, I don't care what you're doing, just break it up. You have a show to do!" Duncan said.
Sighing, he walked back down the hallway to his office as the pythons and Carol snickered to themselves...
*************************************
Duncan emerged from his office a half hour later, he had just been on the phone with Silly Novelties and they were going to start shipping the finished products to stores in a few hours. Duncan grinned imagining all of the money this was going to bring to the BBC. He wondered if he might even get a promotion out of the whole deal. He found his way to the backstage area and stood in front of one of the monitors, smiling broadly as the countdown to the show began. He looked over at the darkened stage and saw that Eric, Mike and John had taken their places. Beyond them, he could see that the other pythons and Carol were offstage on the other side, their faces barely visible in the darkness.
Suddenly he heard the theme song start and he turned back to the monitor, a huge grin on his face. The grin fell away though as instead of a dancing Eric and Mike, there was a lone dancing figure with his head stuck on it. His mouth fell open as he heard the theme song start, only now there were new words....
IT'S DUNCAN WOOD AND HE'S REALLY GOOD
AT RUINING PEOPLE'S LIVES
HE'LL MARKET YOU AND CALL YOU CUTESY-POO
SO HERE'S THE MAN WE ALL LOVE TO DESPISE!!!
Duncan felt the anger seethe up within him. He saw the lights on the stage come up and John sat down behind the prop desk as Eric and Mike sat down in front of it....
"Well, gentlemen, I called you in here to tell you something" John said imitating Duncan's voice..
"Wow, do you mean we get a bonus?" Mike said
"A raise?" Eric chimed in
"NO!" John said raising a whip and cracking it on the desk "You get enslavement!"
"Oh nooooooooooo!" Eric and Mike moaned together...
Duncan felt his blood boil. He heard the audience get deathly still. All of the girls who had been screaming were now sitting in stunned silence...
Suddenly Carol came out dressed as a teenager...
"OOOOOOOO," she squealed "It's Cutesy-poo and Love Slave!!! I love them!! Let's rip em apart!"
She jumped onto Eric and Mike as Gilliam and Jonesy dressed up as teenagers came onto the stage and leapt on them too, screaming as they pretended to tear their clothes off. John watched them for a moment and then held up a huge sign that had an arrow on it pointing down to them. Duncan's eyes bugged out as he saw what was written on it...
THE BBC SANCTIONS THIS!
Suddenly, Duncan flinched as a wave of Boo's erupted from the audience. He swallowed hard and saw that the pythons were all looking back at him with glee on their faces. Before he could say anything, John raised his arm towards him...
"And now ladies and gentlemen, the man responsible for this sketch...Duncan Wood!"
Duncan swallowed hard and gingerly set foot upon the stage. His eyes grew wide as the chorus of Boo's grew even louder. He jumped back as people began to throw their keys, glasses and anything else they had at him...
"And this man right here is about to sell cheaply made Cutesy-poo and Love Slave merchandise to all of you!" John bellowed out.
The Boo's became deafening and Duncan ran to the safety of the backstage as the angry crowd started to storm the stage after him. As security tried to hold the audience back, the pythons and Carol looked at one another and grinned...
**********************************
Duncan found the pythons and Carol after the show giggling amongst themselves in the dressing rooms. As he entered the room, they turned and looked at him...
"I have just cancelled all orders with Silly Novelties and I have ripped up the contracts. No one is required to call Eric and Michael, Cutesy-poo and Love Slave anymore. I hope you are all happy!"
"Oh we are, Duncan." John said leaning back in his chair "We didn't want them to have all the females to themselves."
"That's right!" Gilliam agreed. "There are more than two studs in this group, right fellas?"
"What's wrong, Duncie-poo? Don't you like being singled out for the audience's attention?"
Everyone laughed. Duncan stood staring at them and with a huge exasperated sigh, stormed off back to his office. Behind him, the pythons and Carol roared with laughter as he slammed his door....
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